[ Beating around the bush is really exhausting. When he thought that the times of doubting Maruki are over, they met again in Avalon in rather weird circumstances. The knowledge of what happens in Maruki's future is something Akira considered an advantage at first, but he's not so sure about it now. Everything might change because of Avalon. ]
Are you... [ Akira takes a deep breath and looks away from Maruki. ] Are you going to save them all?
( that question. the one with such an obvious answer that Maruki laughs despite himself, not a trace of humour to be found on those boyish features. )
Of course. ( he speaks as if it's the most natural thing in the world. of course he would save them. much like the Metaverse blessing him with Azatoth... ) We were all brought here for a reason. I have to believe that mine was to save all of you. To help everyone here, give them a second chance at the happiness they deserve...!
[ A chill rolls down his spine and he can't do much about the unsettling feeling after hearing that laugh. Helping people at the cost of taking their freedom of choice. They've been through that with Maruki, but he had his friends with him. Doing it again seems much more difficult for some reason. ]
( he asks that simply; honestly. what would he need saving for? he lives for this, for saving people. his reason for being is that simple. it no longer resides in the bright eyes and sweet smile of a woman he was too cowardly to save the first time.
no, he burned that bridge. he paid the price for her to have her life back, losing her forever.
[ The daunting realization that no matter what Akira says will not reach Maruki makes him regret not maintaining the status quo for at least a little bit longer. ]
Because you can't take on everyone's burdens. And...
[ Rather than outright telling Maruki that his wish to save people is twisted, Akira stops and doesn't finish the sentence. ]
Is forcing people to be happy really the only way?
( of course he can. or at least, it was possible back in Tokyo. he hasn't quite figured out if it'll be possible here. he hopes he'll find a solution in rituals like this, a way to rework such things and use them for his own ends.
for everyone's ends. he just wants to help everyone. why is that so hard to see? )
This isn't about forcing people. It's my gift to all of you. Every person deserves to have the things they want, to live their ideal lives. What's so wrong with granting people the happiness they've been denied?
( Kurusu-kun's argument would make sense, were Maruki of the sound mind to receive it. but this has been his path for so long. he's put everything into this, neglected friendships and sleep in the name of creating a better, kinder world for people. )
Does that matter? Things that make us happy will always feel good. Wouldn't it be better for you if you never had to overcome the prejudice people at Shujin showed you?
[ Akira didn't expect this to be an easy conversation, even though he didn't think they'd have it while burning some herbs. ]
I don't know. [ He can't say no, even if that would have been a more convenient answer. ] I would miss a few opportunities to get to know some people better, though. Besides, someone would spread rumors anyway. It's hard to hide why I transferred there in the first place.
[ Well, if that whole assault thing didn't happen, there's no guarantee he'd come to Tokyo. ]
If Ann or Ryuji had never met me, maybe they would have been happier. Wouldn't that be better for them?
[ Third semester surely was a thing. ]
Shouldn't you focus on making yourself happy first?
( back home he'd be certain of how to rewrite things. find ways to keep the phantom thieves together without needing trauma to bond them.
he could make everything right.
here... well. he can make things better, he's sure of it, but even a familiar like Hastur can't offer him the same amount of control that Azathoth and the collective unconscious would. he needs to figure out the solution to that. )
I—
( oof, that last question hit home, and with the herbs burning and the ritual trying its damnedest to do its job, when Maruki falls silent, his pain screams. the one which has kept him going for so long, kept that fire burning inside of him.
Rumi...
he could never get her back. and what happiness is there without her? )
[ While he didn't mean to go so far, it feels like half-assed measures will get him nowhere with Maruki. His fixation on saving people isn't anything new to Akira, and he even understands it to a certain point. ]
What about your own happiness? Are you going to find it after making everyone happy? What is going to happen next after you reach your goal?
[ Messiah's complex can only get him so far, though Akira holds himself back from judging. If anything, he's the kind of a person who'd make sacrifices for other people as well. ]
( oof, that came out quickly, with the certainty and emphasis of a man who has long since made up his mind on this topic. he has a job to do, a job that's meant to help people — not just the people of Japan, but his fellow mental health workers, the ones overextended and underfunded. he can't be asked to shoulder the burden of the power Azathoth gave him and not do something great with it.
one life, for a whole country — a whole planet's happiness? isn't that a bargain? )
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no subject
Date: 2021-08-22 06:10 pm (UTC)Are you... [ Akira takes a deep breath and looks away from Maruki. ] Are you going to save them all?
no subject
Date: 2021-08-22 06:54 pm (UTC)Of course. ( he speaks as if it's the most natural thing in the world. of course he would save them. much like the Metaverse blessing him with Azatoth... ) We were all brought here for a reason. I have to believe that mine was to save all of you. To help everyone here, give them a second chance at the happiness they deserve...!
no subject
Date: 2021-08-22 07:01 pm (UTC)And who will save you?
cw: maruki is a big metaphor for depression
Date: 2021-08-22 07:13 pm (UTC)( he asks that simply; honestly. what would he need saving for? he lives for this, for saving people. his reason for being is that simple. it no longer resides in the bright eyes and sweet smile of a woman he was too cowardly to save the first time.
no, he burned that bridge. he paid the price for her to have her life back, losing her forever.
so what else does he have to live for but this? )
no subject
Date: 2021-08-22 07:26 pm (UTC)Because you can't take on everyone's burdens. And...
[ Rather than outright telling Maruki that his wish to save people is twisted, Akira stops and doesn't finish the sentence. ]
Is forcing people to be happy really the only way?
no subject
Date: 2021-08-27 05:13 pm (UTC)for everyone's ends. he just wants to help everyone. why is that so hard to see? )
This isn't about forcing people. It's my gift to all of you. Every person deserves to have the things they want, to live their ideal lives. What's so wrong with granting people the happiness they've been denied?
no subject
Date: 2021-09-01 01:49 pm (UTC)If you want to give me a gift, just give me a potted plant.
[ There's no anger in Akira's voice, even though irony levels are above the charts. If anything, he sounds a bit tired. ]
I'm just wondering if happiness is worth something if there's no pain at all. How do you even know that you're happy if there's no alternative?
no subject
Date: 2021-09-06 11:22 am (UTC)Does that matter? Things that make us happy will always feel good. Wouldn't it be better for you if you never had to overcome the prejudice people at Shujin showed you?
( oh yeah. we're... we're going there. )
no subject
Date: 2021-09-12 12:00 pm (UTC)I don't know. [ He can't say no, even if that would have been a more convenient answer. ] I would miss a few opportunities to get to know some people better, though. Besides, someone would spread rumors anyway. It's hard to hide why I transferred there in the first place.
[ Well, if that whole assault thing didn't happen, there's no guarantee he'd come to Tokyo. ]
If Ann or Ryuji had never met me, maybe they would have been happier. Wouldn't that be better for them?
[ Third semester surely was a thing. ]
Shouldn't you focus on making yourself happy first?
no subject
Date: 2021-09-19 06:03 pm (UTC)he could make everything right.
here... well. he can make things better, he's sure of it, but even a familiar like Hastur can't offer him the same amount of control that Azathoth and the collective unconscious would. he needs to figure out the solution to that. )
I—
( oof, that last question hit home, and with the herbs burning and the ritual trying its damnedest to do its job, when Maruki falls silent, his pain screams. the one which has kept him going for so long, kept that fire burning inside of him.
Rumi...
he could never get her back. and what happiness is there without her? )
no subject
Date: 2021-09-26 11:08 am (UTC)What about your own happiness? Are you going to find it after making everyone happy? What is going to happen next after you reach your goal?
[ Messiah's complex can only get him so far, though Akira holds himself back from judging. If anything, he's the kind of a person who'd make sacrifices for other people as well. ]
the continuing cw of "maruki is a depression metaphor"
Date: 2021-10-12 08:22 pm (UTC)( oof, that came out quickly, with the certainty and emphasis of a man who has long since made up his mind on this topic. he has a job to do, a job that's meant to help people — not just the people of Japan, but his fellow mental health workers, the ones overextended and underfunded. he can't be asked to shoulder the burden of the power Azathoth gave him and not do something great with it.
one life, for a whole country — a whole planet's happiness? isn't that a bargain? )