"I'm not hungry," Maya's used to being offered snacks as a way to get her to visit her councilor or therapist. She was easily bribed with food, but at the same time she was a bit too nervous to eat.
Because where does she even start. At the beginning, or where this started. With what she did, or she's been through. She just sits, eyes closed, trying to gather a series of thoughts that could be considered at least sentence-like. Running her hand over her arm, feeling the difference between the small scars and the more responsive skin. "I've been in therapy for the past three years. I was good for a while, but there was a bus crash and-"
No, that's not the detail to start on. The bus crash barely did anything. Yes, you got a few new scars on your arm but so what. And yes your best friend was in a coma. "I mean- four months ago I tried to kill myself. Thinking my friends would be better off without me."
No longer in the way of their happeness, screwing their lives up.
Not taking the food is, of course, fine. It's always worth seeing if people want it, and if they don't, they don't. Instead, he's quite happy to go over the usual confidentiality talk before she begins speaking. And it's good to hear that this young lady is already adjusted to therapy, familiar with the processes.
So without further ado, they can start. And he quickly notes down the bus crash, circles it because the way she drifts away from that topic is as telling as her next bomb.
"Oh." That's never something you want to hear from a person, but it's something that is unfortunately common all the same. "May I ask what prompted you to attempt that?" Thinking your friends would be better off without you is another thing he hears all too often, but what led her down that path? A simple issue of brain chemistry and hormones, or events that worked as evidence to her conclusion?
"After the crash, I-" Maya paused trying to formulate exactly what she felt, and why she felt it. Differentiating what was her, and what was the depression. A line that was blurry on the best of days. "One of my friends was in a coma, he'd woken up and was recovering. My ex and my friends had all moved on, but I was- stuck. They were happy, and all I did was drag them down."
And it was my fault, that the crash even happened.
This wasn't the whole story, but even taking into account that he's a therapist, which meant she trusted he was used to this. Some burdens she just couldn't talk about so quickly. Some things lingered deep in her heart and it took serious effort for her to carry them to the surface. But, she needed help, and at least the immediate 'do not relapse and try to kill herself' was the more pressing matter anyway. "Bad things keep happening around me," because of me, "And I couldn't help any of them, all I did was make things worse." By existing.
He wouldn't be so sure all of her friends were happy after such a thing, but that's something he keeps to himself. There's no need to muddy the waters that way. Instead, they should talk about that last statement.
(Yes, hypocrisy is about to abound, here.)
"I see..." Nijima-san said something similar, didn't she, the day she dropped by. It felt like she couldn't do anything right, always trying to live up to the expectations adults placed on her shoulders because she seemed responsible. "Were you asked to help in these situations?"
For now, he wants to get a better grasp on the things bothering Maya.
"...No." There's a resignation to that admission. Maya's never asked to help, not where it counts. She helps because she can't consider the alternative. "They'd ask me for help writing musicals and editing recordings. But the stuff that really matters nobody asks me."
I just do it.
"I- kinda just throw myself at people's problems. I have for a while." She's usually right, and wrong, when she does this. Right because she's aware someone needs to intervene. Do something, try to stop the oncoming tragedy. And then she's wrong to do it herself. Plus the one time she did it right is the one time it went the worst. "Which I know I shouldn't do."
But what else can I do, if nobody asks me to help?
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Because where does she even start. At the beginning, or where this started. With what she did, or she's been through. She just sits, eyes closed, trying to gather a series of thoughts that could be considered at least sentence-like. Running her hand over her arm, feeling the difference between the small scars and the more responsive skin. "I've been in therapy for the past three years. I was good for a while, but there was a bus crash and-"
No, that's not the detail to start on. The bus crash barely did anything. Yes, you got a few new scars on your arm but so what. And yes your best friend was in a coma. "I mean- four months ago I tried to kill myself. Thinking my friends would be better off without me."
No longer in the way of their happeness, screwing their lives up.
no subject
So without further ado, they can start. And he quickly notes down the bus crash, circles it because the way she drifts away from that topic is as telling as her next bomb.
"Oh." That's never something you want to hear from a person, but it's something that is unfortunately common all the same. "May I ask what prompted you to attempt that?" Thinking your friends would be better off without you is another thing he hears all too often, but what led her down that path? A simple issue of brain chemistry and hormones, or events that worked as evidence to her conclusion?
no subject
And it was my fault, that the crash even happened.
This wasn't the whole story, but even taking into account that he's a therapist, which meant she trusted he was used to this. Some burdens she just couldn't talk about so quickly. Some things lingered deep in her heart and it took serious effort for her to carry them to the surface. But, she needed help, and at least the immediate 'do not relapse and try to kill herself' was the more pressing matter anyway. "Bad things keep happening around me," because of me, "And I couldn't help any of them, all I did was make things worse." By existing.
no subject
(Yes, hypocrisy is about to abound, here.)
"I see..." Nijima-san said something similar, didn't she, the day she dropped by. It felt like she couldn't do anything right, always trying to live up to the expectations adults placed on her shoulders because she seemed responsible. "Were you asked to help in these situations?"
For now, he wants to get a better grasp on the things bothering Maya.
no subject
I just do it.
"I- kinda just throw myself at people's problems. I have for a while." She's usually right, and wrong, when she does this. Right because she's aware someone needs to intervene. Do something, try to stop the oncoming tragedy. And then she's wrong to do it herself. Plus the one time she did it right is the one time it went the worst. "Which I know I shouldn't do."
But what else can I do, if nobody asks me to help?